Cat's in the Cradle
by maddienole
Summary: Janeway and Chakotay spend a moment together while trapped on Hanon IV. Slight J/C.


He found her sitting by the base of the cliff. Hands clasped around her knees, eyes gazing out into the distance, as if looking at something only she was able to see.

_This can't be easy on her._

It wasn't easy on any of them, being stranded on Hanon IV with little means for survival.

But the harshest judge of Kathryn Janeway was herself. She had been that way since he had met her almost 2 years ago. And in her eyes, their situation was on her, and her alone. It must be an incredibly lonely way to live.

He contemplated joining her. She wasn't terribly far away, but he paused to think if it would be intrusive to cut into her personal time.

The decision was soon to be made for him, as she turned to make eye contact with him.

"You know it's quite rude to stare," she said. There was no animosity in her voice, but she sounded weary. "You might as well join me if you are only going to be standing around."

"I don't mean to be a bother, Captain," he responded. "I know that you don't get too much time for yourself."

"Don't ever consider yourself a bother, commander. I could use the company."

He smiled. "Aye, captain."

There wasn't much of a view, from what he could tell. They sat together in shared silence, as they usually did while back on Voyager. Many nights were spent in the ready room filling out pads or fulfilling other menial tasks, with only each other for company. It suited them both, just sharing his space with her was a better motivator than any other.

He stopped to look at her. She wasn't a traditional beauty. A couple of inches shorter than your average model, angular features and reddish brown locks that were always confined to a bun. And yet, only after a couple of hours, no, _minutes,_ after talking with her you could see the dominant mind that controlled such a slight body.

She was the most beautiful person he had ever met.

"Penny for your thoughts, commander?" Janeway's voice shook him out of his daze.

_She caught me looking at her._

Discreetness seemed to be the last thing on his mind.

"Not much to discuss, Captain," he responded. "At least nothing that hasn't already been said."

If she was unsatisfied with his answer, she didn't reveal it.

"What about you?" he asked.

She paused, turning her gaze back to the never-ending wilderness. Chakotay wondered briefly if she would ever answer the question. He yearned to know more about her, the woman behind the pips. The bits and pieces he picked up from his time spent with her never seemed to be enough. He had thought that New Earth may give her the chance to finally open herself up to him, and in part, it did.

New Earth.

It still pained him to think about. As happy as he was to be back with his crew, his friends, part of him mourned for what he had lost. It was so easy for her to slip back into captain mode, to forget about the time they spent together. He missed it.

He missed her.

He didn't want to spend the rest of his life wondering if he'd ever seen Kathryn Janeway, the person, ever again.

"My father told me of a planet he visited that looked like this," she eventually responded. "He said it was so hot that he allowed for the away team to walk around in their undershirts. They apparently found sand in the ships' corridors for weeks after."

"Did he travel a lot?"

"When he was younger. Before he became an admiral, at least. My fondest memories are the stories he would share with me from his Starfleet missions."

Her mind seemed to be a million miles away. Time spent alone with only the company of your own thoughts had that effect on people. He sensed early on that she had demons. Past events that remained buried for so long that it seemed unlikely that they would ever resurface. There were gaps in her Starfleet profile that he never dared ask about. Gaps that happened to coincide with the death of her father.

"Were you close?" he asked.

"We used to be," she responded softly, voice tinged with sadness. "I saw less and less of him as I grew older. He was so busy dealing the growing Cardassian threats that it seemed like he was never home."

There was a brief pause.

"And I resented him for it."

If there was anything Chakotay could relate to, it would be a complicated relationship with father figures. He thought of his own father, long dead. The death that caused him to join the Maquis.

Did he resent him for it?

That would be unfair. He didn't choose to die. Certainly Janeway's father didn't choose to die either. No, Chakotay's strained relationship with his father was rooted in perhaps too much interaction. He wanted to be free.

He turned again to look at his captain.

And she...she wanted to be loved.

Didn't they all?

She looked back at him.

"He told me he was proud of me. Shortly before he died." Bitterness crept into her voice. "It might have been the happiest moment of my life. As if I needed some validation for the path I had chosen. For the people I had chosen."

Chakotay remained silent. He had the feeling that whatever she was about to say she had bottled up for quite a long time.

"And you know what? In the end… I turned out just like him. I did to my family what my father did to me."

She paused again. He could see tears forming in her eyes, something he never thought was possible. In this moment, perhaps maybe the only moment, she was allowing herself to be human. To be fallible. To show she was capable of emotion. That she could _feel._

It took another minute before she spoke.

"Did you ever consider starting a family, Chakotay?"

He was taken aback by the question. In truth, he had never really considered it. His lifestyle was simply too dangerous to allow for the possibility of children. Children who could be placed on harms way simply due to their relation to him.

His thoughts turned to Seska, and the child she bore.

His child.

The thought turned his stomach. He couldn't abandon his son, regardless of his feelings towards his mother.

He had no idea how to raise a child. A half-cardassian child. Who would watch him while he was on shift? How would he be educated? How would he explain to him of his origins?

This all, of course, depending on if they were even able to get back to Voyager and retake their ship. This seemed more unlikely with every passing hour.

He realized Janeway was still looking at him intently. When he didn't respond immediately she dropped her gaze, apparently finding more interest in the ground.

"I…I can't say that I have, Captain," he said. "It's not that I wouldn't like one, but it's not the right time."

"I don't think it'll ever be the right time," she said, her voice so low that it barely even registered. "I'm starting to think that people like us are just not meant to start families. It wouldn't be fair on our loved ones."

He couldn't entirely disagree. The life of a commanding officer could be terribly isolating. Still, he couldn't completely share his captain's rather bleak outlook on their future.

"I think," he started, unsure of whether or not he was stepping out of line, "that this conversation isn't really about us, Kathryn."

He used her name this time. That didn't happen terribly often. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he used it.

She chuckled. "No. No… I suppose you're right, commander. You usually are when it comes to matters like this. I have a rather unfortunate tendency to harp on things in the past."

"We are all guilty of that sometimes. What we could've done different. If we can't change our past actions, there's certainly no changing the actions of our parents."

He looked into her eyes. "But we can learn from them."

She placed her hand on his, squeezing it slightly. The touch was electric.

"What would I ever do without you, Chakotay?"

"Probably be back on Earth, not having to chase after a rogue Maquis in the badlands."

She laughed. "Now who's harping on the past?"

"Human nature, captain."

They sat like that for what seemed like ages. The sky had darkened considerably and there was a slight chill in the air that wasn't there before.

Janeway voiced his thoughts. "We should probably get back. The crew is probably questioning our whereabouts."

"That seems to be a pastime with them."

He sat up, brushing the sand that had accumulated on his pant leg.

"I will get us back, Chakotay," Janeway asserted. She wasn't looking at him, but up at the sky. The beautiful blanket of stars stared back at them, beckoning to join.

"And I will be right here with you when you do," he assured her.

She smiled, the most beautiful smile in the universe.

"Come on, let's go home."


End file.
